sigh

i totally blew up at my mom today, i dunno wat happened, all she did was bitch at me about not answering the phone...and shes usually bitching at me, but she likes to call it "motherly love" well w/e im tolerant...i understand wat she does isnt to insult me and stuff but today i just went BOOM once i started yelling i couldnt stop. it was weird. i dun remember feeling like that for a while.

all the time i feel pressure. i feel pressure to look good, i feel pressure to not get fat, to do well in school, to be the best person i could ever be. usually this stuff doesnt bother me, usually i can deal widit, lately tho ive been getting worried about how fat i am...specially cuz of my mom, she majorly lowered my self of steam. and because of tim who always calls me fat (even tho usually that wouldnt bother me) i noticed he stopped lately. he stopped saying i looked like a boy a long time ago lol...

well ne way...the point i was getting to was that i guess i feel rlly vunerable right now, specially w/ work. but...most of all, a stress that is always there and never leave...is the stress to be tolerable, is the stress to not blow up and just let it all out, itz the stress to not make a remark, to instead just sigh and go "ok watever u want" sooo many times, ive felt like bitching, specially when it comes to keane...i feel like saying...watz ur problem!??! why arent u doing ne thing!?!? why r u just on ur lazy ass all the time!?!? when will u be responsible DONT U UNDERSTAND THAT THIS CONCERNS ME TOO. I CANT BE WID SOMEONE WHO CANT PROVIDE FOR A FAMILY> I WONT HAF A FAMILY WID U IF U CANT PROVIDE FOR IT.
he may or may not read this...i doubt he will. if he does then im sry u hafta see this, a lot of wat im saying is probably not true, but im just trying to let out some stresss....the caps is not rlly how mad i am about it.

and that's another thing..i always keep my mouth shut, cuz i kno itz just gonna cause issues. itz gonna make him pout, and get his feelings hurt, and hes gonna go why r u always nagging at me, cant u just trust me?

WELL NO I CANT NOT WheN U HAVENT DONE NE WORK IN OVER A WEEK - NO I CANT!

but i do ne way.

no i cant fucking trust u when ur fucking colouring in fucking boxes with a FUCKING yellow highlighter instead of working!

FUCK FUCK FUCK GOD DAMMIT FUCK WHY CANT U JUST FUCKING GROW UP FUCK...!!! WHY DO U MAKE IT SO HARD I DONT WANT TO FUCKING BE MAD AT U I DUN WANNA NAG AT U I LOVE U BUT U MAKE IT SO HARD TO TRUST U! TO BELIEVE THAT SOMETHinG IS GONNA HAPPEN> WHY! Why

...but i kno u try, i kno ur trying, i kno u are, thatz why i shut up and say nothing.

but itz still there...all that frustration/anger/pain/sadness





but hey despite that things r going pretty good...i mean that thing i just mentioned is something that is there,has been for a while, itz one of those things u dun mention cuz ur so used to it that it doesnt matter ne more.

so yeah :D ive been pretty cheerful lately - CUZ SUMMER IS CLOSING IN! god i am so happy. it was so fun when we went to the park and played "soccer" baseball.

hahaha yeah and ive grown this huge fandom of L!

L!!!!

haha, well ne way, luv ya all, thx for listening to me rant :D:D buahaha, summer is here! :P oh and i think that i will pass for schoo, which is cool, ! ....i rlly dun like how they rhyme.

lol...

....my brother rlly...*twitches* *surpresses tears*

:D! cya